Some of us struggle to exist. That constant battle we wage with ourselves everyday inside our minds. Sometimes we sleep it off..either with a pill or just doze off from exhaustion. Unfulfilled desires, hurt, deep emotional scars haunt us. All at the same time on some days. We struggle to retain our sanity as we go through our daily routines like machines. We struggle to find a purpose. Why are we alive, why not cease to exist.. why not end it all.
Some of us exist because we have responsibilities, some of us exist because we still hold on to that little branch of hope of one life altering event, an epiphany that will cure all our ailments.
Our brains work overtime..we think and we think and keep on thinking till it hurts. Ruminating till our minds become the devil’s workshop as they say.
Some of us struggle to get out of bed. Some of us are agoraphobic..we are the vampires that refuse to come out in daylight lest we be judged or be seen. We see someone looking at us and we shrink..why must they look at my ugly face and body. Why didn’t I hide myself..why was I brave enough to step out today in broad daylight. Why must they be so perfect while my own face makes my skin crawl.
We listen to music or watch something half heartedly while we struggle to focus. Never present completely. Drifting through time and space like a ghost. Always waiting. Always hoping.
People look at us with disgust..Oh what an abomination this depressed sad case of a human being she/he is. We look back at them and sometimes wish we were them. We feel their judgment so we walk away with our heads hung in shame.
They call them the pill poppers and the drug addicts but they stare into space with no feeling at all. Dont judge them when they lie alone dazed. They pop a pill and wait for some respite. Maybe this pill should make me feel happier they think..and so they take another and another only to realise there are no greener pastures, no better days and it’s just making things worse.
They remain unhappy and low spirited because the demons just wait and wait to feed till they are sucked dry. Don’t judge them when they kill themselves, it was their time to be free.
But there are moments where we live, there are glimpses of real happiness. We are surrounded by loved ones if we are lucky and our sorrows and troubles are temporarily drowned by the laughter and noise around us. The memories of those days keep us alive.
As Friedrich Nietzsche once said.. ”To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.”
– Anonymous