I know what you go through. I know how you must feel. Even though I’m not in your shoes, I can guess how difficult it must be to deal with a wife who has a cluster of mental illnesses.
You haven’t signed up for this. Not today, not 7 years back when we met. But you have not sighed once while I was busy making everything about me. You haven’t once told me that you’re tired of my myriad problems.
I have lacked in decision making, being independent, being self-sufficient, being a good girlfriend, a good fiancé, and now a good wife. I have also let you down emotionally because my brain undergoes so many changes in little span of time. You didn’t want to live a life with bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety and PTSD, but in a way you are living with it.
My mood changes from depression to mania to depression again, for which I have made some of the worst mistakes of my life. Which I still do and then regret doing. And it all involves you in every way. But you never complained, not once.
You have been by my side when I have curled up and cried without reason. You have dealt with me when I have been so agitated and irritated that I made unreasonable demands of you. You have calmed me down when I was chocking and couldn’t breathe during a panic attack. You have held my shaky hands every time something triggered my PTSD.
So, in a way, you are living a life with mental illnesses even though I’m it’s host. And you are living it still without a single day of impatient disapproval. You have never missed a doctor’s appointment, even though you didn’t have to be there. You have got me medicines and kept a schedule of it because I’m so bad at it.
Is it too lame to call you my knight in shining armour? Well, even if it is, that’s who you are for me.
I want to thank you, for being who you are and who you have been through the years. Without you, I would’ve withered, stranded on some lost island of hopelessness. Without you I wouldn’t be who I am today- relatively less negative, looking forward to life, being an overall decent human being standing on both feet. Without your constant push I wouldn’t have had the courage to start hope is good. But mostly, without you I wouldn’t have been able to accept myself with my diseases and come out to the world.
I know things are going to be the same from tomorrow. I know I will make everything about me. I know you will go on living with my illnesses. I know I will forget to tell you how thankful I am, or how much I love you. I know things will be back to what it was.
But even if I forget to mention it, what you must know is, I love you, for the person you are, for the person I have seen you become, for becoming my strength, accepting me, treating me like a normal person.
But mostly, I love you for just being there even when I’m at my darkest, and turning the lights on.